Points to Ponder

Questions That Haunt Me

  • Can you cry under water?

  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

  • Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

  • What disease did cured ham actually have?

  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

  • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

  • Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

  • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

  • Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

  • id you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  

  • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Spell Czech

Eye halve a spelling chequer.  It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea. 

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.  It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.  Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no. 
Its letter perfect in it's weight.  My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce Unknown

Life's Greatest Mysteries 

  • Why do they call them vineyards and not grapeyards or grape farms?
  • What is so great about sliced bread?
  • What really is the greatest thing since sliced bread?
  • What is the greatest thing before sliced bread?
  • Shouldn't it be the greatest thing since the bread slicer?
  • Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
  • Why don't marriage licenses expire?
  • Do babies think adults are cute?
  • If some people are "overwhelmed", are the rest of us "whelmed"?
  • Why are there no "B" size batteries?

Palindromes

Don't nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Too bad – I hid a boot
Rats live on no evil star
No trace; not one carton
Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
Murder for a jar of red rum
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Go hang a salami; I'm a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast... safe car: a Toyota
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Doc Note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Campus Motto: Bottoms up, Mac
Go deliver a dare, vile dog!
Madam, in Eden I'm Adam
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog

Definitions

ATOM BOMB:  An invention to end all inventions.

BOSS:  Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

CLASSIC:  A book which people praise, but do not read.

COMMITTEE:  Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

CRIMINAL:  A guy no different from the rest of us, except that he got caught.

DICTIONARY:  The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

DIPLOMAT:  A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

DIVORCE:  Future tense of marriage.     

EXPERIENCE:  The name men give to their mistakes.

FATHER:  A banker provided by nature.

PESSIMIST:  A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

POLITICIAN:  One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

WORRY:   Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

YAWN:  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

 

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal."
Henry Ford